the best thing you ever had (has gone away)
by starsandstark
Summary: "He's a fuckin' dick, Steve." At least, that's what you think until you start actually talking to him instead of threatening him.


It starts out slowly. You mean nothing to each other at first. The two of you fight like crazy and the only reason you don't result to killing each other is because of Steve.

"You don't even have to be friends with him," Steve says. "All you have to do is be nice; cordial."

"He's a fuckin' dick, Steve."

At least, that's what you think until you start actually talking to him instead of threatening him.

* * *

You become sort of a habit for each other; someone to talk to when Steve is gone. You'll bicker back and forth until the sun comes up—or until you fall asleep on the ragged couch in the corner of his shop.

Those are his favorite nights.

* * *

It's late at night when you fuck him for the first time.

It's hard and rough and it ends with the two of you in a tangled mess of legs and arms. You're both panting and tacky with sweat but neither one of you seem to want to move. You're content just to lay together until you decide that you definitely need a drink.

You push him away and stand up, reaching for your jeans and tugging them on before you leave without a word.

* * *

The next morning when Tony greets you in the kitchen, you scowl at him. "Shut the fuck up, Stark."

Natasha and Clint pay no attention to you, and you're lucky that Steve's not around because if he were, there would definitely be some sort of backlash.

Tony smirks, laughs, and goes back to his shop with a cup of coffee.

* * *

Two weeks after you fuck him for the first time, you try it again. It happens because you're bored and Tony always enjoys a challenge. It takes your mind away from the terror of your memories and it gives Tony something to do with his hands.

This time, you end up on the work bench with your legs around Tony's waist.

You're clutching Tony's shoulders and you know that Tony's close; you can feel it. Your metal fingertips dig into the flesh of Tony's shoulder. He shudders, grunts, and comes inside of you.

He has no fucking right and you growl at him because you're disgusted. You push him away and you slap him hard across the face.

He smiles, laughs, and says he'll see you in two weeks.

* * *

You don't even make it two weeks; you're back in the shop in three days. You decide that you'll shut Tony up for good this time, but that doesn't exactly work out because somehow Tony has the ability to get you on your knees with a flick of his wrist. It's impressive, really.

This time, you stick around. 

* * *

You spend a lot of nights with him. Some are longer than others, some are rougher than others, but at the end of the day he always welcomes you in his presence.

* * *

"You and Tony seem close," Steve observes when the two of you are walking back into the tower after your run.

"Bullshit," you scoff. "I hate him. He hates me."

"Judging by the way he was looking at you this morning, I beg to differ."

You laugh and sling your sweat towel around your neck. "You're full of shit, Steve."

Steve laughs and it's a beautiful sound.

You wait until Steve is in the shower to go find Tony.

* * *

It's not until Tony asks you out for dinner that you realize just how much he likes you. He's serious, and you want to tell him yes but you can't; you don't deserve love or companionship because you're nothing but a monster. You're a pawn and you let yourself be used. None of it is your fault, but you'll never let yourself realize that. There's always something there at the back of your mind, nagging you and pulling you down. You're war and you're disorder.

But to Tony, you're happiness.

* * *

You steer clear from him until a week later when you have another nightmare. You wake up in a cold sweat and you're instantly craving his company. You want to talk about stupid insignificant things that take away the pain and the memories. You don't want to think about the pain and suffering done by your hands.

You crawl out of bed and you bring your quilt with you (it's always so cold in the shop). You aren't surprised to hear music playing when you walk in and Tony smirks before you even says anything because he knows he's won this time.

You wrap your arms around his waist and when you cup him through his jeans, he leans back against your body.

He fucks you over the table this time.

* * *

You avoid him as much as you can and you push him away when he tries to get close. You're up on the roof early in the morning when he decides to join you.

"You've been out here all night," he says.

You glare at him and duck your head. "Can't you see I wanna be alone?"

He sighs and runs a hand over his hair. It's clear that he's hurt, and you know you've hurt him, and you mean to but at the same time you don't. It's easier this way, though; it's easier not to get attached to someone you'll only hurt in the future. 

* * *

You miss him and you want to spend time with him. You ignore it for as long as you can, but when you have nightmares, you come crawling back to his shop. You know you're welcome and he's glad to see you. He smiles at you and he kisses you as his strong hands hold your face between his greasy palms. You can feel the emotion he's expressing and you can feel the oil on your skin, but you don't care.

You undo his jeans and rub him till he's hard, but he's still kissing you. You want it to stop because you don't want to feel anymore, so you drop to your knees this time because you're desperate to make him stop; you want to find anything to keep yourself from feeling, and you do.

He comes with his cock in your mouth.

* * *

You're mean and nasty to him when others are around; you push him away unless you want to fuck and then you're all sugar and sweetness. You can't help it, though. It's the only thing you find that helps you not to feel.

You notice that Steve and Tony are spending more time together these days. They talk in hushed tones and Tony isn't around so much anymore. If he's not in the shop, he's in the lab, and if he's not in the lab he's somewhere with Steve. You come down to the shop but 9 times out of 10, he's not there.

You feel isolated but you only have yourself to blame; you did this on purpose. You're worthless and destructive and you don't deserve to be happy. Steve does, though. Steve deserves everything you don't and more.

Steve deserves Tony.

* * *

You decide that Steve and Tony are good for each other. Steve is much better for Tony than you would be. Steve has baggage but not the kind you have. You're both grateful and resentful for that.

When you're around Tony, you notice that he still looks at you the way he did all those nights ago in his shop. It's like he's begging you to speak up but you never do; you never will, because Steve is good for Tony. You want Steve to be happy because he deserves happiness. After all, you took it away all those years ago, and it's only fair that you return it now.

When Steve and Tony kiss you have to look away. And sometimes when Tony looks at Steve, he thinks of only you. 

* * *

Tony loves him. It's obvious. You can tell; anyone can tell. When they're together, they lead the team better than anyone ever could. It's ironic that the same mission brings them together, and tears you away from both of them.

It's a hostage situation, so it should be cut and dry but it's not. You're tired of waiting for your cue, so you don't follow Tony's orders. Who the hell is he to tell you what to do, anyway?

You don't see the slug before it hits your stomach. Steve moves first, but it's Tony who ends up saving you. 

* * *

You're in the hospital with a piece of bloody gauze over your wound. The pain medicine they have you on is barely working. It makes your stomach hurt and you feel weak. You wish the feeling would go away, but it doesn't. Neither does Tony.

He tells you that he proposed to Steve, and Steve said yes.

You throw up, but it's not because of the pain.

* * *

You're back in the tower with them now and you stay in your room most of the time. It's where you belong; you can't hurt anyone from in here. It's dark, peaceful and mostly you just stay in bed. It's what makes you most comfortable. You feel safe and secure and Tony can't get to you in here. You leave a few times a day, mostly to go get food from the kitchen.

You're starting to let yourself go.

* * *

You think about Tony a lot. You think about the hints he's given you and you think about the way he looks at you like he's begging. He still wants you, and there's still time to fix things, but you won't let that happen. You're set on torturing yourself and disciplining yourself but it's not doing any good.

You're on a path of self-destruction and there's nothing stopping you. 

* * *

It's six weeks later when Steve corners you in the kitchen. He demands to know what's wrong, why you've isolated yourself, and how you're feeling. You shrug and tell him you're fine. He doesn't buy it, though, because he knows you all too well. Maybe he doesn't know that it's because you love Tony, but he knows that something is wrong.

It's not until Steve points it out that you've even noticed you're doing it, but you are; you're growing your hair out. It's longer and it's stringy and it's reminiscent of the hair you were forced to wear during your time as the Winter Soldier. You look at Steve and you know he means well, but you don't care. You honestly don't give a fuck, and you let Steve know that. That's when Steve asks you to be his best man, and how can you turn that down?

You tell him yes.

* * *

Tony loves Steve, but not to the extent that Tony could love you. If you knew that, you might change your mind about saying something but you don't. You stay in your room and your hair grows and you've got stubble but you don't care. You just _don't care_ because all you can focus on is hating yourself and hating the way you don't deserve anyone. You want to be what Tony needs, but you can't be; there's no way. You're war and you're carnage and you're destruction.

You want to fucking die, but you could never do that to Steve.

* * *

It's not until you're at the rehearsal dinner that things sink in. You're nervous and your metal fingers scratch at the surface of the mahogany table beneath them. Steve is talking and Tony looks at you. You have your chance, but you don't take it. Your eyes are teary and it's not because of Steve's beautiful speech. It's because you want Tony, but it's almost too late, and you know you're not going to speak up now because it would ruin everything. You're stuck, and it's your own fucking fault, and you hate yourself for it.

As soon as Steve is done with his speech, you excuse yourself from the table and go to the kitchen.

You never do come back to the table.

* * *

After the wedding ceremony you hit the hard liquor. You're downing glass after glass of the expensive scotch and you're a mess. You look over at Tony and Steve and now you're ready, but it's too fucking late. It's too late and you missed your chance, but you don't deserve happiness, so what's the difference?

You go into the bathroom and you stare at your reflection. You look like him again; you look like Winter. You punch the wall. You rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and you break stall doors but none of it makes you feel better. You feel like shit and it's your own fault, but you deserve to feel this way because of everything you've done. You're miserable and you're sick and you're weak. You slide down to the floor and sit with your back against the wall, knees to your chest. You don't even hear it when the bathroom door opens.

"Do I need to call security?"

This isn't the time for Tony and his fucking jokes. You look up and you mean to scowl, but your face crumbles. You look like a scared little boy and that's what you feel like. You've made a mess of everything and now you have to deal with the consequences.

Tony sits down next to you and you don't mean to start crying but you do. You put your hands over your face and you're shaking all over because it hurts. Everything hurts and you're alone because you've fucked up royally. Tony puts a hand on your knee and you groan. You groan because you can't bring yourself to push him away anymore and you groan because you wish you hadn't been so fucking stupid.

"I love you," you finally tell him, but it's too late. It's too fucking late, and you're both painfully aware of that.

Tony doesn't know what to do other than to let himself cry a little, too. It's not audible, but he wipes a few tears away as he leans against you.

He stays with you in the bathroom until he's certain that Steve will come looking for him. He squeezes your leg and he tells you that he hopes you find happiness because you deserve it.

He's the only person that's ever told you that.


End file.
